


5 Times Tony Didn't Cry + 1 Time He Did

by rebelmeg



Series: Rebelmeg's Tony Stark Bingo Fills 2019 [5]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Ashes Scene in Avengers: Infinity War Part 1, BARF simulator, Betrayal, Child Abuse, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Tony Stark, Loss, MIT bros, Maria tried, Musician Tony, Not particularly Steve friendly, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sad, Seriously this boy needs a hug, Tony Feels, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony's Unsafe Workshop Behaviors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-24 18:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19729333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelmeg/pseuds/rebelmeg
Summary: Tony was taught at a young age that boys, especially ones with the Stark name, didn't cry.  But it might have been so much easier if he had.Chapter 7 fills TSB square T3 -flashbacks





	1. Prologue - The Only Arms Around You Are Your Own

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all, this is just straight-up angst and pain. We've got some hurt/comfort and cuddles, but sadness is the name of the game this time. Prepare yourselves and maybe grab some tissues.

With a sharp gasp and a cry, a four-year-old Tony Stark sat up in his bed, trembling with fear as tears ran down his cheeks.

He’d had the nightmare again, the one where he was all alone and nobody could find him no matter how loud he screamed or how far he ran.

Shaking, he slid out of his bed and crept to his door, stealing down the hallway on silent feet as he wiped his face on the back of his hand. The door to his parents’ bedroom was closed, as usual, but Mama always let him in when he’d had a nightmare, would hold him and sing to him until the bad thoughts went away.

It wasn’t until Tony had gone into the room and saw the empty bed that he remembered; Mama was gone, she was visiting a friend and wouldn’t be back until dinnertime tomorrow.

Taking a deep breath that shook with residual fear and the ache of needing to be held and soothed, Tony went to leave his parents’ bedroom. He could go to Jarvis, Jarvis would make it better, and Ana might let him have a cookie.

A dark shape in the doorway made Tony jump, gasping wetly and crying out in fear before he realized it was his father.

Howard’s voice was hard and cold in the dark, his body swaying slightly as he came into the room. “What are you doing here, boy? Why are you crying? Boys don’t cry.”

Tony hesitated, swallowing hard. He’d never told his father about his nightmares. Only Mama. But maybe, just this once, it would be alright. Just while Mama was gone.

“I… Daddy, I’m scared. I had—” Tony shuddered as he remembered the worst parts of it, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks. “I had a nightmare.”

Howard didn’t reply at first, shuffling slowly towards the bed.

“Can I…” Tony dared take a step closer. “Can I stay with you?”

“What?” His father's voice was sharp, and it made Tony falter.

“Mama… Mama lets me stay with her until I’m not scared anymore.”

Howard snorted, sitting down hard on the bed and slumping there, his head bowed. “You might as well start learning now, the real nightmares don’t stop just because you wake up. Now stop being a sissy. Stark men are made of iron, boy. And men don’t cry.” He rubbed a hand over his face, then shook his head. “Get out. Go back to bed.”

Tony paused, still scared. Surely his father would understand if he just… “But I—”

“Now!”

Tony ran from the room, the fear left over from his nightmare smaller than his fear of his father.

Closing his bedroom door behind him, Tony stood still and quiet, listening to see if he could hear his father’s footsteps coming after him. But it was quiet.

Turning around, Tony looked at his bed and the memory of his nightmare swamped him again, making new tears prick at his eyes, making his nose run.

He didn’t dare try to leave his room. What if Howard heard him?

But he was still scared…

Climbing up on his bed, Tony sat cross-legged on top of the blankets, looking around his dark room, seeing the shadows that seemed to move, dark corners that wanted to swallow him whole.

Tony squeezed his eyes shut, a whimper escaping him as he tried to pretend he was anywhere else, that he wasn’t alone. Wrapping his arms tight around himself, rocking back and forth, he tried to pretend someone was holding him, that someone else was rocking him, telling him it was alright, that it was just a bad dream, that he didn’t have to be scared.

Keeping his mouth pressed tightly closed against the sobs that rose in his throat, Tony Stark sat on his bed in the dark and tried not to cry.

* * *

Ana was already in the kitchen when Tony woke up near dawn a few hours later, cold and tired, with dried tear tracks on his cheeks.

“Well, this is a surprise!” She said as Tony came into the room, smiling at him from where she was measuring out water for the morning’s tea and coffee. “What are you doing up so early?”

Tony opened his mouth, ready to tell her, ready to throw himself into her arms and tell her about the nightmare, how he’d been so scared, so alone. But the memory of what his father had said made him close his mouth. 

“ _Lelkem_ ,” Ana closed the distance between them and crouched down in front of him, cupping Tony’s chin in her warm hand and tilting his face up, looking worried. “What’s wrong? You look like you didn’t sleep a wink.”

Tony had to swallow hard, feeling his throat get all achy and tight, his eyes stinging. Ana would hold him, if he wanted. Would let him cry on her shoulder, would sing one of her Hungarian lullabies to him and dry his tears and make him feel better.

But almost like he was right there, Tony heard his father’s voice in his head, something he said all the time, anytime he caught Tony crying: _“Stark men are made of iron, boy. And men don’t cry.”_

Taking a shuddering breath, Tony blinked hard and stepped back. “I’m hungry.”

The worry in Ana’s face didn’t go away, but after a moment she nodded and stood, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Alright, sweetheart. Let’s get you some breakfast. Your mama will be back in time for dinner. That will be nice, won’t it?”

Hiding another shaking breath, Tony bit his tongue until the ache of tears went away.


	2. Metronome of Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Maria Stark introduced an emotional outlet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Child abuse warning for this chapter.

Tony Stark started learning how to play the piano when he was just two years old, sitting on his mother’s lap and pressing the keys she pointed to. When he was three, he could play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Chopsticks, and several other simple songs that made Maria smile and clap when he beamed up at her with a sense of pride and accomplishment. He learned a simplified version of Ode to Joy when he was four, and by age five, Tony could play Für Elise well enough that it often reduced his mother and Ana Jarvis to tears.

Howard Stark, when he cared to notice, was largely bored and unimpressed by his son’s efforts, insisting that it was a useless skill. A party trick at best, and the boy’s time would be better spent learning something worthwhile. He only said it once in front of his wife, however, and from then on seemed to keep his opinion on the matter to himself.

Tony, with his mind for numbers and algorithms and mechanical parts, found both a respite and a creative joy in the music that had so much in common with the mathematics and technical schematics he loved so much. He learned Rachmaninoff and Mozart and Beethoven and Tchaikovsky, Brahms and Bach and Chopin and Liszt. He played duets with his mother, and trios with her and Ana, and always grinned with delight when Edwin Jarvis clapped and insisted on an encore.

Tony found emotion in music and a way to express himself when he couldn’t find the words. The metronome of young master Stark’s mood was easy to interpret by the sounds filtering out of the music room on the second floor of the mansion.

For example, angry Mozart was usually saved for the worst of Howard’s outbursts, hurtful words with a slurred edge thrown without caution.

Tony had learned from a young age not to shout back. He had only needed to learn that lesson once, and he never wanted to make his mother cry like that again as she had when she held an ice pack to the red mark on his cheek and whispered how much she loved him.

So he took his emotions to the piano, his fingers flying and pounding angrily over the keys, channeling all his hurt into his music. He would have tears in his eyes, sobs choking his throat, but those tears would never fall. He wouldn’t let them fall.

After all… Stark men were made of iron. And men of iron didn’t cry.

* * *

It was bittersweet to the extreme when Tony first sat down at the piano, freshly tuned and polished to a high gloss, matching the brand new cliff-side mansion he’d designed himself on an “impossible” site. It was in a showpiece location, right in the middle of the raised, circular room he’d made specifically to hold a grand piano.

He had debated for a long time whether or not to bring this piano out of storage, the weight of memories taking up most of the list in both the pros and cons column in his head as he thought it over. He needed a piano in his home because he still played, though not as often as he had as a kid. But still often enough that it helped him think, helped him process his emotions, and he didn’t like the idea of not having that outlet if he needed it. Even if the memories still hurt.

The struggle was deciding which piano he wanted.

Eventually, he had finally committed and arranged for the truck himself. Pepper had encouraged it, knowing more of his internal struggle with the issue than anyone else.

“If you decide you don’t like it, you can put it back in storage and get a different one,” she had said gently, her hand on his shoulder when he hesitated. “Just give it a try.”

So he did. And it felt like having a part of his mom back again.

He ran his fingers lightly over the familiar keys, and he could have sworn that if he were blindfolded and put his hands on a whole line of different pianos, he would still be able to tell which one was hers. His mother’s.

He pressed the keys at random, listening to the notes, certain that they sounded different from any other piano in the world.

Or maybe it just felt that way.

He considered playing Für Elise. His mom had loved that one. Or maybe the Hungarian polka that had made Ana laugh. Anything that didn’t require sheet music, because his eyes were too blurred with tears to read the music.

But in the end, he settled for Maria’s favorite. He had called it “the September song” when he’d been little, and it used to make her smile. It was their lullaby.

The notes came easily, his fingers finding the keys like they were old friends, and without meaning to, he found himself singing the words with a voice tight with emotion.

_“Try to remember, the kind of September  
When life was slow, and oh, so mellow…” _

* * *

All the wind had been knocked out of him when he’d landed on his back on his ’67 Shelby Cobra. If he’d had the breath for it, he would have sworn savagely. He loved this car.

And then, just before Dum-E doused the armor in fire extinguisher foam, he caught sight of the hole in the ceiling above him, and realized what that discordant clash of noise had been a moment before.

He had gone through the roof, and straight through the piano.

His mom’s piano.

As car alarms continued to go off and Dum-E moved the extinguisher up and down the armor, Tony closed his eyes against the sting of tears and let his head fall back.

Damn it.

Later, even as he dictated notes to JARVIS on how to improve the armor, a part of Tony was dwelling on the piano. He was angry, and hurting, and this somehow felt like losing his mom all over again.

He desperately wanted to play some Mozart right now. But crashing his own party would have to do.


	3. I Don't Exist To Be A Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony never expected to mourn Jarvis' death more than once. He was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor warning for unsafe sorta-medical situation? Tony doing the micro-repeater implants from IM3.

It had been decades, but the recording of Edwin Jarvis’ voice warning off trespassers at the Stark’s Malibu mansion remained the same. Howard thought it was funny, even though it always made Jarvis roll his eyes when the alarm was triggered and his voice echoed out over the grounds. Usually, it made Tony smile.

After the death of Ana and Edwin Jarvis, however… it didn’t make Tony smile anymore, but he did still listen to it, over and over.

He had grown up primarily in New York, but he knew the California mansion just as well: many summers spent exploring and surfing and learning self-defense from an aging Ana and Jarvis both, with the help of Aunt Peggy. Tony knew the exact boundaries of the property, knew precisely where the alarms could be triggered, and he’d tripped most of them more than once for a laugh as he grew up.

Not this time, however. This time… he circled the property, eyes unfocused, and every time he purposely set off the alarm, he stilled, closed his eyes, and listened. So he could hear Jarvis’s voice again. Just… one more time. And one more. And one more…

Tears shivered on his eyelashes, clumping them so that Tony blinked hard to clear his vision, not letting them fall.

Stark men didn’t cry.

* * *

The footage on the holoscreen ended, but Tony didn’t look up as the next one was queued up, FRIDAY remaining silent as the footage began playing. He wasn’t watching these anyway. Just listening.

_“Which one is this one, is this Mark 41?”_

_“42, sir. Autonomous prehensile propulsion prototype.”_

_“I need to get better at these names, they sound so pretentious. Here goes number one.”_

_“Sir, we haven’t calibrated those sensors yet, please don’t—”_

The compressed air _ka-chunk_ sound from the implant gun interrupted the AI, as did Tony’s voice on the video, swearing colorfully. _“Son of a cock-gobbling whore! That stings more than I thought it would.”_

_“Well, it’s not supposed to tickle.”_

Tony slowly shifted a portion of a circuit board through his fingers, his eyes falling to the tiny, almost invisible scars spaced at regular intervals on the inside of his arm. Taken back inside this particular memory, he could still feel the sharp pain and dull ache that had followed the insertion of the micro-repeater implants. Forty-eight times, all over his body. He’d had to get U to help with the ones on the back, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever done anything quite as bizarre as let his robot shoot a computer chip into each of his butt cheeks.

_“You know, I’ve noticed you get sassier the longer I’m awake, JARVIS. You got an algorithm running that I don’t know about? Two.” Ka-chunk._

_“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies, sir.”_

_“You cryptic little shit. Three.” Ka-chunk. “Ow! Dammit.”_

_“Perhaps we could run a testing sequence now?”_

_“Four.” Ka-chunk. “Five.” Ka-chunk._

_Crash._

_“Oh, for the love of—Dum-E! What are you doing?”_

Tony closed his eyes and listened. Dum-E beeping, the scrape of broken porcelain on the wood floor, his own voice rambling on about the irony of helper bots, JARVIS asking over the sound of paper being manipulated if a dunce cap was really necessary.

_“That was my mom’s favorite Christmas decoration, yes, a dunce cap is necessary.” A marker scribbling, footsteps crunching over the floor. “There we go, let’s just attach this. Dum-E, you’re a dunce. Grab a broom and clean that up. JARVIS, what number were we on?”_

_“A good stopping point.”_

_“Ha ha, joke's on you, I can still see where I’m bleeding from.”_

_“That is not comforting.”_

_“I don’t exist to be a comfort, I thought you knew that. Six.” Ka-chunk._

_“Yes, I did. But hope springs eternal.”_

Tony felt the press of a headache behind his eyes, along with the sting of tears that made his vision swim before he closed his eyes. He clenched his jaw to stop any sound escaping, but a small gasp of a sob still leaked out.

Not a single tear fell, though.

Stark men didn’t cry.


	4. A Punch in the Gut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes a long, long time for Tony not to flinch every single time he sees him mom in the BARF simulator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Skids in 12 hours late with a frozen hot chocolate, throws a tiny chapter at you, and skids out again* I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW WITH A SUPER LONG CHAPTER, 'KAY BYE!

The simulation faded and Tony sat down, taking off his glasses and putting his head in his hands, the BARF technology disconnecting. “Gimme a minute, FRI.” He ignored the way his voice was shaking.

“Maybe we should pick it up again tomorrow, boss?” The Irish-lilted voice was gentle, but Tony shook his head without looking up.

“No. Just gimme a minute and we’ll run it again.”

He forced himself to breathe evenly, to suck air in and push it back out in a regular rhythm, trying to bring himself back from the brink he’d been teetering on. He tried the thing one of the therapists had suggested for his panic attacks, focusing on things that he could hear, see, smell, and touch.

He hadn’t expected the tech to work this well. It was… real in a way that didn’t even trip any uncanny valley sensors in his brain. It was like literally stepping into a living memory, every detail absolutely perfect, and so real it hurt.

Howard, he could handle. Memories of Howard didn’t hurt in the kind of way that could cripple him anymore, he'd made his peace with that bag of mess a long time ago. But seeing Maria… that felt like a punch in the gut every time, and it took every bit of self-restraint he had not to throw himself at the illusion and try to hold onto it.

She wasn’t _real_. She wasn’t _there_. Nobody was that good, not even Tony Stark.

“Okay.” Tony sniffed and rubbed at his eyes before sliding the glasses back on. “Run it again.”

“Maybe we should try something different, boss? A different memory. One that doesn’t hurt you so much.”

Tony sighed as he pulled himself to his feet. “No. It has to be this one. This one… this one is clearest out of all the ones that are pertinent.”

“We can make it work.” FRIDAY coaxed. "Let me help you."

Tony shook his head and reactivated the BARF glasses. “Run it.”

There was a brief hesitation, but then the simulation began again, transforming the white walls and props. “Yes, boss.”

Tony’s throat started closing up the moment the piano started playing, but he pushed through it. He watched, hurting so bad inside that it was a physical ache, and just watched his mom. And his dad. Himself at twenty-one, totally unknowing and unprepared for what was going to happen.

Tears obscured his vision halfway through, but he made himself listen anyway. He had to get used to this. He had to watch this enough that he didn’t have an emotional reaction when he presented it. Had to watch it until it stopped hurting. Until he stopped wanting to cry every time he saw his mom.

The simulation finished, dissolved, and FRIDAY was straight-up pleading now. “Boss, please. Please stop. Miss Potts is asking for you.”

Heaving a shaky breath, Tony nodded. “Okay. Enough for tonight. We’ll go again tomorrow.” He rubbed at his eyes again, swiping away the wetness that clung to his eyelashes but didn’t fall on his cheeks. “Tell Pepper I’m coming."

He patted Dum-E and U as he passed them on the way through the rest of the workshop, feeling drained, so tired from fighting his own emotional reactions. But that was just part of being a Stark. Made of iron.


	5. You're Not Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony finally tells Pepper what happened in Siberia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular part is gonna be split up into two chapters, my dears, since it was so long. And it was inspired by [this gifset](https://letsgetdowney.tumblr.com/post/163086037863) and [this gifset](https://letsgetdowney.tumblr.com/post/144309684713), both by letsgetdowney on Tumblr. If you wanna be surprised by what happens in the next chapter, don't click on the links yet.

The call came in when the plane was somewhere over the Atlantic ocean, not five minutes after Tony finally removed the signal blocking from his phone. Happy was babysitting Peter in the back while Tony flew the plane, needing something to do to keep his mind from spinning into either insanity or the kind of dark place he didn’t have the luxury of going. Not yet, anyway.

“Priority call, boss,” FRIDAY said softly.

Had to be Ross. He might as well deal with it now, the whole disaster the situation had turned into. “Yeah, go ahead.”

“Tony?”

Well… you could have knocked him over with a feather, you really could.

“Pepper?”

“Tony, finally, thank God… what’s going on? It’s… it’s all over the news, the fight in Leipzig, the Vienna bombing, something about Steve and a Winter Soldier, and then Happy called in a panic. He said Rhodey got hurt and you’d gone off somewhere—” Pepper’s voice was escalating in pitch and speed, and Tony knew he’d have to find a way to stop her before she went into a nervous breakdown.

“I’m fine. I was in Siberia, unreachable.”

“What were you doing in Siberia?”

“I—” He didn’t know what he was gonna say, but it got choked off anyway.

Her voice changed, going gentler, the way it did when she knew something was very, very wrong. “Tony, what happened? Are you okay?”

“Actually, um… can we… not have this conversation right now? I’m trying to fly us home and there’s a lot I still need to figure out before I can really explain it all. Can I just… have some time?”

He could hear her surprise, even though she didn’t say anything about it. “I… of course. Just… tell me, are you okay?”

That was the answer he was least sure of.

Physically, his left arm was messed up, he was recovering from a concussion, and his entire chest was a mass of purple and black bruising, inside and out, with a few cracked ribs. Mentally, emotionally, and psychologically? He wasn’t touching that.

“Tony?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Always. I’ll call you back later.”

* * *

He meant to call Pepper back after he dropped the kid off, he really did. But first he had to go visit Rhodey, he’d been worried sick ever since he’d left the Compound to go to the Raft. 

Checking in on Rhodey turned into sleeping on the uncomfortable couch in his hospital room, and that turned into a week-long binge in the workshop coming up with braces to help Rhodey walk, while also dealing with Ross and impending hearings and legal issues.

Suddenly, it had been two weeks since Siberia and he still hadn’t called her back, and she had clearly lost her patience with him. Who could blame her?

“Boss, I have Ms. Potts assistant on the line. Are you available?”

Aw, crap, he’d really pissed her off. “Shit, I forgot to call her back. Yeah, FRI, I’m available.”

He expected to hear the snippy, disapproving voice of Pepper’s assistant, but Pepper surprised him again. “Tony?”

“I’m so sorry, I meant to call you back. I just… I got distracted, and I forgot.” Which was what led them to taking this break in the first place, go him. Wow, he wanted to just curl up and die.

“It’s fine, I know you’ve been busy. I've seen all the paperwork.”

There was a brief pause, awkward and painful, and before Tony could find something to cover up how much it hurt, Pepper took over.

“I’d like to see you.”

“You would?” He hadn’t meant to sound so surprised, but… well, how could he not?

“Oh, Tony.” Her voice was soft and sad, and he was tired, so damned tired, of always making her sad.

“You don’t have to, you know,” he blurted out. “Check up on me, or whatever. You don’t have to. I’m, y’know, fine.” Ha, like hell he was. He couldn’t find _fine_ if he had a pair of binoculars and a map.

“I know you’re not,” she murmured quietly.

He really, really couldn’t handle this right now. He was already skating a thin edge of handling things at the best of times, and hearing her voice? Hearing his Pepper’s voice, knowing that she wasn’t his anymore, that he’d screwed up the best thing that had ever happened to him?

“I’ve got some stuff to get to, so I’ll just—”

“I’m coming to see you.”

Tony stopped and swallowed hard. “Um. Okay. Uh, when? Where?”

“Now. And I’ll come to you. Where are you?”

“Home. Well…” It wasn’t really home anymore, was it? “The Compound.”

“Alright. I’ll be there in an hour. Wait for me.”

She hung up and Tony let his arm go limp, his phone falling into his lap. He was… really tempted to leave. Pull out one of the old armors that still worked, fly off somewhere. Anywhere. Disappear for as long as it took for the world to forget he existed. Long enough for him to figure out how to make everything stop hurting.

But she had asked him to stay.

He didn’t think he could bear to disappoint her one more time.

* * *

Pepper was almost shocked when FRIDAY told her that Tony was waiting for her in the lab. She had honestly half-expected him to make a break for it and she really wouldn’t have been able to blame him.

She made her way to the lab, and though she had been living part-time in the Compound before she and Tony started taking this break, she nearly didn’t recognize the place. Usually, there were people all over the place, familiar faces attending to all kinds of duties, a whole Compound full of people. Now… it echoed with emptiness, and Pepper didn’t see a single soul until she approached the lab and saw Tony through the glass. He was just sitting there, staring off into space, looking absolutely haggard in the dim lighting. His beard had grown out, the goatee no longer immaculately trimmed, and the dark circles under his eyes were profound.

He blinked several times when she came in, obviously startled out of whatever kind of daze he’d been in. “Pep, hi. Come on in. Or, well, maybe we should, uh… we should go somewhere else.” Tony looked around at the space, dim and about as lifeless as Pepper had ever seen it, just like the rest of the Compound. “Kinda gloomy in here.”

“It’s alright,” She pulled a chair out from one of the work spaces and sat down. “I don’t mind it.”

He nodded, looking distracted and detached as he twisted a screwdriver around in his hands. Pepper waited, seeing if he would take the lead, but when he just kept looking at his hands, she gently prompted him.

“Tell me what happened.”

“You know what happened. Everyone does.”

“Tony. Tell me. Tell me what happened in Germany.”

Tony sucked in a breath, as if he were steeling himself, then just launched into it.

“It all escalated so fast, once Barnes broke out and Cap went after him. Ross was laying down ultimatums and deadlines, that whole mess at the airport happened, Rhodey...”

He swallowed hard, and had to stop for a moment. Pepper just waited, watching him, waiting as long as he needed.

“FRIDAY found out more information about what was really going on with Barnes, I found out what was really going on on that Raft, and then…” Tony’s eyes, somehow full of emotion and utterly empty at the same time, lifted to hers. “How much have you heard?”

“Rhodey told me. Was it… it really showed what happened? The Winter Soldier, and… your parents?”

“Not quite in living color, but the black and white didn’t exactly take the horror out of it.” Tony rubbed a hand down his face. “I just… I lost it, Pep. I really lost it. There wasn’t a bit of rational thinking going on at all, just pure rage.”

“Oh, Tony.” Her voice cracked as she reached out, pausing before she put a hand on his arm. “Of course you weren’t thinking. Seeing that, out of nowhere? The man that did it standing right there? And Steve… he really knew? This whole time, he knew?”

“Two and a half years.”

Pepper shook her head, struck with disgust. “I can’t believe… two and a half years, and he never thought to tell you?”

Tony nodded dully. “Yeah. He, uh, he didn’t want to tell me. That part… that might be the worst part.”

He was quick with the rest of it. Rhodey, as soon as he knew what Tony was doing, had sent a quinjet after him, and that was the only reason Tony didn’t freeze to death right there in that bunker, trapped in his own disabled suit. Meeting Happy back in Germany, flying him with him and the kid. Her calling. The letter and phone from Steve, the first of which she read, and it made her swear more colorfully than he'd heard in years. 

“I really did mean to call you back,” he said quietly a few minutes later, not looking at her.

“I believe you.”

They sat in silence for awhile, turning their own thoughts over in their heads, the unnatural quiet of the lab and the Compound beyond like a physical weight.

“Would you maybe, um…” Tony broke the silence and took a deep breath, long and unsteady, before he looked at her. “Would you maybe come with me to visit them?”

Pepper blinked hard several times against the tears that automatically came. “Your parents?"

He nodded. 

"Of course.”


	6. My Heart Breaks For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper joins Tony visiting his parents' graves, and then they talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned, this chapter and the previous one were partially inspired by [this gifset](https://letsgetdowney.tumblr.com/post/163086037863) and [this gifset](https://letsgetdowney.tumblr.com/post/144309684713), by letsgetdowney on Tumblr, and they're amazing.

They stopped on the way, at a high-end florist to get an expensive, but tasteful arrangement to leave on the shared gravesite. The drive was long, but they didn’t say much. Pepper turned on the radio to break up the silence, but didn’t really pay attention to which station it was.

The Stark family plot was tucked in the little forested area back behind the empty mansion, thickly surrounded by trees and shrubbery, except for the double wrought iron gates that were kept cleared.

Howard and Maria were near the middle of the cemetery, and Tony approached the huge marble headstone without pausing to look around, showing how well he knew the path he was taking. Setting the flowers against the polished headstone, he tweaked a few of the blossoms, fluffed a few leaves, giving his hands something to do while he struggled with his emotions. Pepper watched as he stepped back, then leaned against the side of the stone, sliding down to sit with his back to it.

“Thanks for coming with me,” he said quietly, linking his hands around his knees and tipping his head back against the cold, glossy marble. “I really didn’t want to be alone.”

Pepper’s heart felt like it would never stop breaking for him.

She walked closer, then eased herself down to sit on the ground next to him. Reaching for his hand, she interwove her fingers with his and squeezed. “I didn’t want you to be alone either.”

* * *

It was dark by the time they got back to the Compound, and rather than pulling up in the front, Tony took the little side road that took them around back, to the private entrance to their previously shared penthouse. He obviously didn’t want to deal with running into anyone, on the odd chance anyone was around. Not with as emotionally raw as he had to be feeling.

“You hungry?” He asked as he opened Pepper’s door for her. “I’ve got some stuff in the fridge, or I can order something.”

“Sure.” Pepper was hungry, but didn’t particularly want to eat. Tony, however, had lost some weight, and that was worrying her. It wasn’t very noticeable, but as well as she knew him? She could see the way his cheeks were thinner, how the waistband of his jeans was just a little bit baggy. He’d eat if she was eating, and that was all she cared about.

He heated up cold chicken and pasta on the stove, adding some halved grape tomatoes and garlic while Pepper sliced, buttered, and toasted some French bread. They moved around each other easily, anticipating and reacting to the other’s movements like a dance. It was achingly familiar and painfully strange at the same time, so sitting down at the table to eat was a relief.

Pepper talked about some SI business as they ate, part habit and part needing to fill the silence. Tony paid attention to what she was saying, replied naturally, asked questions, but it was clear that he wasn’t really there. Neither of them were.

Sitting on the couch later, next to each other but with plenty of space between them, Tony was the first to bring it up.

“Thanks for… putting up with me today. It means a lot.”

Pepper had been expecting this and her reply was as fervent as she could possibly manage to make it as she reached for his hand. “I wasn’t putting up with you. I wanted to be there for you. I… Tony Stark, I love you. I’ve loved you for years, and I don’t think there’s anything you could ever do to make me stop.”

“You don’t deserve to deal with all this, Pep.” There were tears in those eyes now, glimmering against that whiskey brown backdrop. He waved a hand around, including himself, the Compound, and probably every other thing in the world that he considered his fault. “You deserve better than this, and I know that. You deserve more than me.” His voice broke. “But I don’t think I can be that selfless.”

Pepper’s eyes went wide.

“I screwed up, thinking I could move on from you. Add it to my list of mistakes, along with thinking I had any business trying to be part of a team. It was inevitable that would backfire. I mean, it’s me. Shouldn’t be surprised that they’d turn on me like that, especially Cap. I became the enemy.”

She stopped him there, putting her hands on his shoulders and giving him a gentle shake. “Tony, you did the right thing. With all of it. Respecting the decision we made to take a break, because I asked you to. Trusting your team, like you were supposed to. Doing your best for them, like you always do. The Accords too. You were _right_ , Tony, about all of it, and you still are. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you in all of it.”

He finally reached for her then, his touch gentle but so very necessary. “Oh, honey no. You have… absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

“Yes, I do. I wasn’t strong enough to be there for you.”

“Pepper, no.” He was looking at her hard and she could sense the seriousness of what he was saying. “I was out of control, and we both knew it. I was dragging you down with me, and I needed to sort my shit out. I still do. It is not your fault.”

“But you were there alone.”

The floodgates had finally opened and Pepper couldn’t hold it back anymore. She wiped away the first few tears, but gave up after a moment, there were too many. “You were all alone, fighting for your life against the man that was supposed to be your friend. And they just… they left you there, Tony. What if Rhodey had been in surgery longer? What if there had been complications? You could have died there, stranded and alone, and nobody would have known. I never would have known what happened.”

She all but broke in half then, sobbing too hard to speak, and Tony made a soft, whimpering sound as he pulled her into his arms.

Pepper cried for a long time. Long enough that the shoulder of Tony’s shirt was soaked with her tears and she was shuddering from the force of her emotions. She’d been needing it, a good cry just to release all the pent-up feelings and worries. She felt better, once she was done, but she didn’t particularly want to leave his arms.

She sighed shakily and pressed a kiss to his neck where she could reach with her head on his shoulder. “You wanna cry too? I owe you a shoulder.”

Tony just shook his head, bumping it against hers.

“You sure? It helps.”

“’M fine.”

Taking a deep breath, Pepper slowly pulled back and looked right into those red-rimmed, but completely dry eyes. “No, you’re not.”

He wanted to deny it, she could tell. He wanted to lie. He wanted to tell her he was okay, it was nothing, everything was peachy. She could see it all over his face. But he didn’t.

The truth clawed out of him, dark and desperate and Pepper was absolutely certain she’d never seen him this way before as he curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around himself like he was trying to hold himself together, his eyes once again shining with tears that wouldn't fall and his voice broken.

“Please don’t leave, Pep. I thought I could do this without you. I thought I could back off, give you space, let you go and find someone else to make you happy. But… I can’t do this alone. I need you. Can we… can we try again? I’ll give everything else up. Seriously. I’ll fake my death if I have to. I’ll resign from everything but you. You… I just need you.”

Blinking the tears away, Pepper reached out and cupped his face in her palms, watching the way he melted into her touch, tears clinging to his eyelashes. He’d been touch starved before they got together, so much so that some nights he would wrap around her and not let go until morning, not saying a word, just needing her close. This was the same thing, all over again, and Pepper was pretty sure her heart was never, ever going to stop breaking for Tony Stark.

“Tony, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want anyone but you. I missed you so much, you have no idea. You’re all I have, remember?” She tried to smile, tried unsuccessfully to keep more tears from trickling down her cheeks. “Just promise me one thing?”

“Anything. Anything.”

“Don’t shut me out. From the bad things or the good things.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it. No more hiding in your workshop for three days because you can’t sleep. No more waking up in the middle of the night because of nightmares and leaving the bed without telling me. No more panic attacks that you try to hide, no more telling the bots and FRIDAY to keep it a secret when you’re suffering. You understand me?”

He nodded. “I understand. I promise.”

“And one more thing.”

“Okay.” He looked as if he were bracing himself, determined to agree to any and all terms she set, no matter what they were.

Pepper couldn't help but smile, just a little, as she cupped his cheek in her palm. “I need you to shave and fix your goatee. I miss it, and you look like a homeless person.”

With a huff that had a ghost of a laugh in it, Tony rubbed a hand down his face, his smile watery and unsteady, but there. “Glad to have you back, Miss Potts.”

Scooting closer, Pepper tipped him backwards until he was lying down, then curled up against his side, half on top of him, cherishing the way his heart beat right under her ear and his arms wrapped around her. “Glad to be back, Mr. Stark.”


	7. Alone in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a very good reason that Tony instantly recognized the road where his parents died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE HAVE FINALLY REACHED MY TSB CHAPTER! Huzzah!
> 
> T3 - flashbacks
> 
> I totally forgot about this, but I had sort of written about the idea for this chapter awhile back, in my Tumblr Drabbles/Meta. [You can find it here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13681125/chapters/31447269) if you're interested! [And another one here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13681125/chapters/31459416), about Tony's blackout weeks in general.

The anxiety, dread, fear, and frustration of the last few days paled as Tony focused on the grainy black and white video playing on a TV in a bunker in Siberia, flanked by Captain America and the Winter Soldier.

It couldn’t be what he thought it was on that screen… not that date, not that spot… 

“I know that road.”

He did. He knew it from every angle, every inch of that quarter mile stretch, and most of the rest of it stretching out in either direction.

He had spent… so much time on that road.

* * *

_Late December, 1991_

Rhodey had been deployed when he first got the news about the Starks, but within a few days, he had been sent home. The Air Force, and all the branches of the military in general, knew about the strong friendship that had formed between James Rhodes and Tony Stark at MIT, the smart kid from South Philly and the genius Stark heir. From day one when he’d joined up, Rhodey had not only known he would more than likely someday end up as a liaison with Stark Industries, but he was being groomed for it.

It took very little talk to convince the higher ups to let him go make sure the abruptly orphaned heir was okay.

He was definitely not okay. Rhodey had never seen Tony look so bad before, not even after the wildest frat parties or the most unpleasant visits from Howard. So Rhodey abandoned all his plans to bunk in a hotel, or even a guest room, and dragged a trundle bed from under a daybed in one of the many guest rooms right into Tony’s room.

He wasn’t going to let Tony out of his sight, not anytime soon.

Or, well, that was the plan, anyway.

It was after Christmas that it started happening, after Rhodey had talked Tony into coming home with him for the holiday, knowing the guy desperately needed to be surrounded by love and family right now. Mama Rhodes hadn’t said a word when Tony walked through the door with her son, looking pale and gaunt, with dark circles under his empty eyes. She’d just folded Tony into her arms and held him for a long time while he buried his face in her shoulder and held onto her like she was the only thing keeping him from drowning.

It was better, Rhodey thought, while they were busy and surrounded by family in the Rhodes house. There was always a distraction, always someone to talk to, always something to do. There was no time to sink into the despair.

Coming back to the empty Stark mansion after all that felt like rewinding time, and Tony had visibly deflated as they’d crossed the foyer and headed upstairs to unpack.

That night was the first time it happened. After eating the pizza Rhodey had ordered in for dinner, Tony said he had some things to do and shut himself away in the den. He had stumbled out hours later, just when Rhodey was about to go in after him, sodding drunk and weaving on his feet.

Rhodey hadn’t said a word, just helped him up the stairs and into bed.

“ ‘m sorry, Rhodey,” Tony had whispered as Rhodey pulled the covers over him.

“I know, Tones. Just go to sleep.”

Sleep hadn’t come. The soft sound of Tony’s almost-snores never kicked in, even though Rhodey was listening for it as he lay silently in his own bed. And then an hour or so later, Tony slipped from the room and Rhodey let him go. He couldn’t help this part of the mourning process. Tony had to do it alone.

Rhodey dozed off at some point, but awoke instantly when he heard the distant sound of the front door closing. Tony had come into the room a few minutes later, the scent of fresh outdoor air clinging to him, shaking with cold, and gone straight back to bed without a sound.

They didn’t talk about it in the morning.

And then it kept happening. Sometime after Rhodey had talked Tony away from the booze, gotten some food into him, and in some cases literally carried him to bed, Tony would quietly get up and disappear. Sometimes Rhodey would wake up when it happened, other times he didn’t. Sometimes he stayed awake waiting for it, but every time Tony would be gone for hours, returning to the house close to dawn, shivering with cold.

So finally, one night two weeks after the funeral, Rhodey followed him.

He decided to be sneaky about it, not moving when he heard Tony getting up around midnight, waiting until his footsteps were starting to fade down the hall before jamming his feet into his shoes and following.

As he’d expected, Tony went straight for the garage and took one of the cars, and Rhodey didn’t even wait for the tail lights to disappear at the end of the driveway before he was leaping into his car and following. He’d planned for this, he had a stack of blankets in the back seat (Tony always came back cold and shivering), and he was determined to find out where his friend was going, and to at least keep him warm when he got there.

It didn’t take long. After only fifteen minutes, during which Rhodey followed at a safe distance with his headlights off, Tony pulled off to the side of a deserted road, bordered by trees on both sides. There was nothing special about this location that Rhodey could think of, and he watched from a distance as Tony got out of his car and walked slowly to the other side of the road. He wasn’t wearing a coat, or even a jacket, but he didn’t seem to notice the freezing January temperatures.

He walked straight to one specific tree that grew right next to the road, put a hand to the trunk, then turned around and sat down with his back against it, arms wrapped around his knees.

And Rhodey realized where they were.

This was where Howard and Maria Stark had died.

Rhodey’s heart broke right there. 

He parked behind Tony’s car, pulled out every blanket from the back seat, and sat there in the dark with his best friend, an arm wrapped around his shaking shoulders, until Tony was ready to go home.

* * *

Tony lost count, over the days, weeks, and months that passed, of how many times he drove out to that road and sat there with his back against a damaged tree, missing his mom.

Rhodey came with him every night for a week, even the night before he had to go back to work.

They sat together, their backs pressed against the rough, banged up trunk of the tree, coats and blankets wrapped around them to ward off the winter cold. It didn’t stop Tony from shaking, though. It never did.

“You can just cry, Tones,” Rhodey murmured into the dark, his arm around Tony’s shoulders, warm and solid as his friendship. “You don’t have to hold it back, not now. It’s just you and me here. Just let it out.” 

Tony shook his head, trembling hard from the effort of keeping it all inside, his eyes burning, his throat aching, his chest heaving… but he couldn’t let the tears fall. Not even now. He couldn’t do it. He felt them quivering on the edges of his eyelids, and blinked them away so that they seeped into his eyelashes instead, clumping them together. 

But at least they didn’t fall. It didn’t count if they didn’t fall.

* * *

_August 2016_

Rhodey was… kind of expecting it, he supposed, even though it took longer than he thought. He’d been expecting it since he’d woken up after the surgery to fix his spine, to hear that something really, really bad had gone down in Siberia. Tony and Pepper made up pretty damn quick after that, which was probably the reason it took so long.

But eventually it did, about a month after that whole mess with Cap.

He was tipped off when Pepper called him late one afternoon, trying to sound casual, but he could hear the thread of worry in her voice. Tony had left a note for her that morning, saying he’d be back late, but not where he’d gone, and he wasn’t answering his phone. According to FRIDAY, he was nowhere on the premises and nowhere else she had access to. She couldn’t even track his phone, and Pepper was obviously starting to get frantic, not hearing from him in so long. Rhodey promised to look into it, something niggling at the back of his mind as he did, and he figured he might as well just start with a list of places he thought Tony might go and work from there.

The mansion Tony had grown up in didn’t make the list at first, but then Rhodey realized what day it was. August 11th. 

It was Maria Stark’s birthday.

And he knew immediately where Tony had gone.

It took less than ten minutes for him to round up a few blankets and throw a handful of sandwiches together and then he was in the car and on his way.

It was after dark by the time he got there, and Tony was exactly where Rhodey thought he would be. Sitting alone, in the dark on the side of the road, his back up against a tree with his arms around his knees. Doing the same thing he used to do thirty-odd years ago. Just sit there, alone, not letting himself cry as he missed his mom.

It felt like those decades melted away as Rhodey got the blankets and sandwiches out of the car and sat down next to Tony, spreading one blanket over their laps and another around their shoulders, the August night nevertheless a little bit chilly.

“Here. Figured you probably haven’t eaten in a while.”

Tony took the sandwich he offered and Rhodey saw that his hands were shaking. A quick once over revealed eyes that were ringed by black circles, a brow that was tight with tension, and a jaw that was clenched against any and all sounds.

“Tony,” he said quietly, feeling his heart break for him just like it had all those years ago, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

Tony just shook his head, holding onto the sandwich tight enough that he was going to leave impressions of his fingers in the bread, and leaned slightly into Rhodey’s side, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed hard.

“You’re still allowed to cry, you know.” Rhodey knew it wasn’t going to help, knew that Tony wouldn’t let a single tear fall, but he had to say it anyway. And yeah, Tony just shook his head again, his whole body trembling like a leaf, but his lips stayed closed tight and his eyes glimmered with perpetually unshed tears. 

Rhodey sighed and rested his back against the old tree. The scarring wasn’t right at their backs anymore, the tree had grown enough that the scarring was a ways above their heads. But the bark still felt the same through his shirt, and Tony’s shaking shoulders felt the same under his arm. 

“How about if I cry too?” 

A small noise, a kind of a huff, the closest thing Tony could make to a laugh. Rhodey just wrapped his arm a little more securely around his brother, and prayed that when Tony finally rested his head on his shoulder, Rhodey would feel the wetness of tears through his shirt.

He never did.


	8. Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Titan, Tony finally sheds one tear.

His hands were filthy, covered in dirt and grime and… ashes. Peter’s ashes.

The alien, the blue one, Nebula, was standing a short distance away, an inscrutable look on her face.

More ashes filtered through the air, all that was left of everyone else that had been with them, fought with them, trying their damnedest to stop Thanos before…

Tony pressed his hand to his mouth, the one nearly black with the ashy residue that was all he had left of the kid, trying to keep the pain inside, trying not to let it out, to scream in pain and horror.

And as he did, he closed his eyes.

While one single tear trickled down his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THAT'S A WRAP! I know, angst and pain and sadness, I'm sorry! I promise I'll give you something fun and happy next! In the meantime, if you need a pick-me-up, [here's a video](https://www.facebook.com/ThePunShow/videos/616142408875997/UzpfSTUwMDI4OTc3NDoxMDE1Njc5NDkxMTY1NDc3NQ/?comment_id=10156795376379775&reply_comment_id=10156795690064775&notif_id=1563200072922103&notif_t=feed_comment_reply) of two guys making terrible puns and laughing at them. I was in tears while watching, the good kind, not the angsty kind I was crying while writing this fic.


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